Resurrection Potion for Voldemort
by Emily Waters
Summary: It was a dark and dreary night, when Lucius Malfoy showed up at the graveyard, carrying a burlap sack. Something was stirring inside. And then, things went downhill from there.


The Death Eaters were gathered up in the graveyard, waiting for Harry Potter to arrive; so that they could get his blood, and help the Dark Lord incarnate. Right now, the Dark Lord looked like a slimy mass of fetal flesh, rather than a fearsome object of worship.

Finally, it happened. Lucius Malfoy showed up, carrying a large burlap sack. Something was stirring inside.

"Hey!" Pettigrew shouted. "What happened to the plan with the Tri-Wizard championship, and the Cup being the port-key?"

Lucius yawned. "Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea, but it turned out to be too complicated, and was taking fucking forever. Besides, I didn't want to risk the chance of Potter being eaten by dragons. Or merpeople. At least, not before we get his blood."

"Well, good," Peter muttered. "Let's do it."

He stood over a cauldron and chanted, chanted something about flesh of the father, reviving the son, and flesh of the servant, doing something of the sort as well. He chopped off his hand, throwing into the cauldron.

Lucius yawned again. "Fuck, Peter, a little bit of skin from your finger would have been sufficient. Hurry it up already."

"It's a delicate process!" Pettigrew complained. "Do not hound me, and give me his blood."

"Okay," Lucius agreed, grabbed the dagger Peter gave him, and stabbed inside the burlap sack. A loud shriek was heard, and when Lucius withdrew the dagger, it was stained with blood. "Sorry, little fella," Lucius said gently, patting the sack. "We just needed your blood to incarnate the Dark Lord. Nothing personal." A little stifled whimper was heard from inside.

Peter was eying the blood-stained dagger gleefully.

"The blood of the foe... truly, the most important part of the process," he said dreamily. "That is what gives the resurrected one his humanity. You see, without the shedding of blood..."

Lucius waved him off dismissively. "We are here to worship the Dark Lord, not hear you go on and on. God, I need a drink so bad." Saying that, he reached to a flask on his belt, took it off, and sipped. "Firewhiskey," he said dreamily. "The only thing that keeps me going these days, honestly."

Pettigrew looked at him thoughtfully. "Your life isn't that bad, Lucius."

"No?" Lucius asked bitterly. "Ugly wife, spineless son... and I have a lost Horcrux on my conscience. Sucks to be me, Peter."

Peter dripped the blood into the cauldron and proceeded to brew. "So tell me," Peter muttered. "How on earth did you manage to kidnap Harry Potter and get him out of Hogwarts?"

"It was too easy," Lucius smirked. "I polyjuiced myself into Dumbledore, and asked our dear Harry if I could try out a new spell on him. His Gryffindor courage, his self-sacrificial spirit, and his trust in Dumbledore all worked against him." Lucius patted the burlap sack again. "Only half a second later, he was stunned, incapacitated, bound, and being carried out of Hogwarts."

"Nice, real nice," Pettigrew nodded. "Okay, the Resurrection Potion is brewed. Let's drop the Dark Lord into it."

Two random ugly Death Eaters moved, picked up the pre-incarnated slimy flesh of the Dark Lord and plopped it into the cauldron. Something splashed, and something stirred. Fog and vapor rose from the cauldron, and then, IT emerged. It. The Dark Lord was now incarnated, standing in front of them.

The Death Eaters' masks fell off, and their mouths were open wide in shock.

The Dark Lord was incarnated as a pig.

The pig had a twisted tail, a perky snout, and a pair of eyes that had a dark glow in them.

"My Lord?" Pettigrew asked hesitantly.

"Oink," said the pig. The oink came out a little sinister.

"What the fuck just happened?" Yaxley demanded. He glared at Pettigrew. "How could you screw this up?"

"I don't know!" Pettigrew wailed miserably. "I followed the recipe exactly."

Doholov was pacing around the graveyard. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, this is so not good," he was muttering. "Why did we have to entrust Wormtail with making the potion? What were we thinking? We all knew Pettigrew is an twerp. He couldn't resurrect Jesus on an Easter Sunday!"

Lucius shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, I don't know what your problem is, everyone. I think the pig is cool."

Yaxley glared at Lucius. "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"What?" Lucius said defensively, but his lips were twitching into an amused smirk.

Pettigrew threw his arms up in the air. "You aren't really Lucius, are you?" he asked with absolute despair in his voice.

"Nope," said the blond man. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small vial with a liquid. He drank it, and suddenly, blond hair changed into black, grey eyes became green, and his height diminished by a few inches. In front of the group of the Death Eaters, and the pig, stood Harry Potter, smiling broadly.

"Harry Potter polyjuiced himself into Lucius," Yaxley muttered. "Just our luck."

"And in the burlap sack?" Dolohov asked bitterly.

"...is a pig," Harry said, petting the burlap sack gently. "Sorry again, little fella."

Peter Pettigrew looked ready to faint.

"Anyhow, as Peter here was saying," Harry continued nonchalantly, "The blood of the foe is what provides the Resurrected one with his humanity. Or, in this case..." Harry looked at the Dark Lord/pig hybrid thoughtfully. "Well... whatever."

The pig oinked again.

"We are so screwed," Yaxley muttered. "He'll fucking kill us."

"How?" Harry asked reasonably. "He doesn't have opposable thumbs, so he can't hold a wand. He can't speak, and utter any spells or curses. And he still has a bunch of Horcruxes around, so he'll live forever in his current corporeal form. You'll need to take good care of him, y'know, feed him, and whatever, but I wouldn't worry about retribution too much. I mean, seriously, what will he do, poop on your carpet?"

Slowly, Dolohov began to relax. "You know, Harry, we are all quite tired of this war. We've wanted to cut bait and run for quite a while; and this might be just the break we needed."

"Yeah," Pettigrew said breathlessly. "God, I am so tired of all this Death Eater crap." He looked at his own mutilated hand. "Oh well, if this keeps him stuck in pig's body for near eternity, it was well worth it."

Yaxley clapped. "Hurray to Harry Potter."

"Hurray!" the Death Eaters shouted. "Long live Harry Potter!"

The pig oinked.

Harry Potter smirked.

"Just curious, Harry," Peter asked thoughtfully. "How did you catch on to Lucius trying to kidnap you?"

"Good question," Harry mused. "I'm sitting in the Gryffindor common room, and the weirdest thing happens. Dumbledore comes in and says,_Harry, my boy, I have a spell I need to test out, would you be so brave, and kind, and loyal, and self-sacrificial, to let me try it on you? You trust me, don't you?_ So I zapped him right away."

Pettigrew looked at him quizzically.

"See, as soon as he said it, I knew it wasn't real Dumbledore," Harry explained. "Real Albus Dumbledore would never asked my permission. He'd try the spell on me first, and apologize later, if things went wrong."

**.. The End...**


End file.
